What are relationships?
Relationships are associations, interactions or affairs with others.
America has the highest rate in divorced and half of all marriages end up in divorced. Almost every marriage starts out as a huge celebration. Each couple is full of hopes and dreams for their future life to stay together. But the road to a happy marriage is far from easy. And as today’s divorce statistics demonstrate all too well, many couples opt not to complete the journey.
Tiger Woods said no one would ever go into a marriage looking to get divorced. He also said arranging the divorce was a painful process even if he managed to keep his composure. Tiger Woods learned a lot about himself and how he could become a better person.
The question here is why is it so hard?
A normal human being has 5 senses and the mind. When the senses or the mind comes into contact with an external object, a kind of feeling is created or perceived by the mind. It can be pleasant or unpleasant feelings. We can categorize these feelings under “likes” and “dislikes”. The nature of likes and dislikes feelings are intangible therefore making it indescribable. It can also be very personal to each individual and has no limitations. For example a beggar would love to own an Audi Q7, knowing very well he cannot afford it. Nothing can stop him from loving and wanting to own it.
Allow me to quote an analogy of why relationship is so hard.
Just imagine a young man wants to buy a Hi Fi or a CD player set. He went to a Departmental Store selling all the stereo system. Looking for a suitable set he looks around and managed to find one where he likes the design and the model. He asked the sales assistant to test it but he did not like the sound system. His eye sense did not synchronize with the ear sense resulting in disagreement. So he did not buy.
He went round and found another one which he likes the model, design and the sound system and enquire about the price. The sales assistant told him US 2,500 dollars. Wow, he exclaimed so expensive and not within his budget. He likes the design, model and the sound system but was not within his budget so he did not buy. His eye and ear senses manage to synchronize but not being able to synchronize with the mind therefore resulting in disagreement.
Allow me to quote another example.
Just imagine a lady who intends to buy a dress. She went to a boutique and was looking for a dress she likes. She walks around and has come across a dress she likes. She looks at the dress and like the design but did not quite like the color of it. She asked the sales assistant whether there are other colors of this design. The sales assistant went to the store to check but was already out of stocks. So she did not buy that particular design as they do not have the colors she wants. Her eye sense did not synchronize therefore resulting in disagreement.
She came across another dress and like the design and the color. She took it out and put on it. She did not quite like the material of it as it was a bit coarse. She asked the sales assistant if there were other material of this particular design. The sales assistant replied no. Her eye and her touch senses did not synchronize therefore resulting in disagreement. Then she again did not buy.
She again went round the boutique to look for the dress. She came across another dress. This dress with the design, color and the material she likes so she enquire for the price from the sales assistant. The sales assistant told her it is US 300 dollars. As it was not within her budget she did not buy. Her eye and ear senses manage to synchronize but not being able to synchronize with the mind therefore resulting in disagreement.
The sales assistant then asked the lady, what kind of a dress are you actually looking for? The lady could not really describe to her what she really wants?
To the sales assistant, this lady looks very confused because she does not even know what she wants.
Then she saw another dress just besides her. She has a look at it. This particular dress somehow she likes it. She likes the design, color, material and was within her budget so she bought it and happily went home. She was able to synchronize the eye, touch or feel and the mind senses therefore she bought it.
She being very happy and went home. She showed the dress to her husband, her husband made an awful remark of the dress. The dress supposed to be like by her but after the awful remark from her husband was never worn. She was able to synchronize the eye, touch or feel and the mind senses of herself but not being able to synchronize the senses of others which had affected her. The likes and dislikes are not consistent and can be influenced by others. This has made her very confused because she does not really understand what she wants.
The above situations imply it was rather difficult to synchronize the likes for all the senses and the mind. Even as an individual we have difficulty trying to synchronize all the likes for all our senses. The number of likes a person has is equal to the number of dislikes. The more likes a person has, the more confused the person become because the person does not really know or understand what he or she wants.
Just imagine, we as individual having 5 senses plus the mind, is already so difficult to synchronize all the likes for all the senses. For a relationship there are at least 2 persons. The likes and dislikes are very individual. It varies from one person to another and it may depend on a person mood if the person is emotional. The likes and dislikes may differ over a period of time. For a relationship there are so many things to share together, for example the food, drinks, home, entertainment, hobbies and etc, etc, etc.
Not to mention people involving in vices activities that will be very difficult for the partner to accept.
The question here is how can we synchronize all the likes for the senses for two persons or more people?
We become very confused because of our likes and dislikes and not being aware of it we felled preyed to it. In short we do not even understand ourselves because we do not really know what we want or do not want. If we cannot even understand ourselves, how can we understand others?
Most of the time, we blamed our partner for not understanding us. But actually we do not understand ourselves. So how can your partners understand you if you cannot even understand yourself? This will apply to both genders.
Because of the above, relationship is hard.
To overcome or solved the above issue is to do away with all the likes and dislikes. Without likes and dislike, there is clarity of the mind. For us who are not sage we may not be able to do away with all the likes and dislikes, we try to do away with as many likes and dislikes. With lesser likes and dislikes we can become more accommodating. By being more accommodating we will be easier to get along and become more acceptable by others. We will be less emotional or moody as we are not disturbed or affected by circumstances, atmosphere and environment. Our mind will be steadfast. Having a steadfast mind we will be able to observe ourselves. Over a period of time we will be able to understand ourselves. If we can understand ourselves, we can understand others because our fundamental behavior does not differ much from each other. What makes us different is what we learned and put it into practice by observing the precept and abide by dos and don’ts. By understandings others we do not blame them but help to correct them. For not blaming others there will be accordance and agreement. There will be harmony in the relationship.
Besides the above we have also to put into practice the virtues of life that is patience and tolerance.
There was 1 article I read from the news paper. They interviewed this very senior couple of age in the mid 80’s about, how long they have stayed together? The wife answered, we have stayed together for over 50 years. The next question was what was the secret behind that you all have managed to stay together for such a long time? The wife thought for a while and replied, I guess only 1 person can get mad at one time.
The above analogy implied we need to have patience and tolerance in order for a relationship to last.
In summary to have a good relationship, we need to do away with as much likes and dislikes so that we can be more accommodating in order to get along with people, bearing in mind with patience and tolerance.
Understanding all the above, to have a good relationship is not that hard. Of course it takes time to understand and practice the above.
Even after you have trained to be very skillful in managing the relationship, there will still be some disagreement.
Allow me to give you another analogy.
Staying together is just like inside the mouth, the tongue and your teeth had been staying together for umpteen years. Over the years the tongue had learned to be very skillful to maneuver itself while you eat, chew the food, drink, talk, laugh and etc. etc. Somehow, once in while the tongue would be bitten by the teeth. What can the tongue do? The tongue can do nothing, but just to tolerate and accept it.
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